why

Reading something, I’ve come to realise, doesn’t provide much help when you’re lost.
I was lost today and found no such comfort in anything I came across online reading.
That the issues that people were having in these online stories were simple questions for me to work out.. or in other sense, really wasn’t something that I could relate to, it was not my struggle. Your twenties are filled, so far, at the least for me, with more, much more ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ answers    the uncertainty is peaking and I wasn’t expecting it to be this challenging the reasons why why why I ask and I beg for the right answers, but unlucky, maybe for me, it is quite possible that through letting life be, and taking a risk in seeing where life might go,  could be the only way to get my answers, the only way to get someplace exciting.

I mean I know that reality is there are people making books and blogs telling us, it’ll be fine do this this and this.. or don’t fuck up and to not fuck up – do this this and this… but an instruction manual doesn’t provide no comfort, no reassurance and no guidance to what the fuck you’re supposed to do when you don’t have that confidence to follow and do what you’re sure, what you must have to do for you.

It seems the norm that people at the very least, have a step.. a something you know, that they like something a lot, because they’ve been doing it for so long when they were younger and now they’re good at it so theres always that..
theres always ‘ that ‘ .. that…
the thing of your child your innocence, the thing you do for you, is the thing you’re meant to hold onto. it holds your youth, the thing that makes you at ease, at peace, in a place of your own, that comfort is important, it is significant to you and your life, I know that things like this, have a place to stay continuously in life, the good days the bad days, the days too busy the days stressed, must come back to this.

For myself I think constantly about questions to find answers…

what do you want to be when you grow up….
Constantly it reoccured with people in their twenties, with life decisions, unsure of what one to make. Unsure, as in not sure what one out of multiple…
This is not my situation, alike to the phrase, it’s like riding a bike.. I am afraid of the bike and can not ride it, and similar to falling asleep, where you just have to relax and let it happen.. I stay awake, sleepless and restless, that moment to fall is a fear, which, answers my own problem, that it is my own fault, to have no answer yet, because I am constantly staying away unable to push the pedals and see where I go, I am over alert to my current state and the magic of life is being halted by my own overactive panic.

where do you see yourself in five years… 
I have no concept of how my life will look in a month, but it doesn’t look all too great, so five years seems a pretty large stretch, to which I believe people answer with, settling down, maybe with the man of my dreams, maybe by then I’ll be engaged and thinking about children, and of course I would have worked my way up in the company with a much higher role and I’ll have my own place and it’ll be beautiful and I’ll have a dog and I’ll be at the gym after work, and I’ll save up for holidays with my partner and our friends and we’ll travel and spend lots of money and come back home to our perfect little routine of life and it’ll be busy busy busy busy and I’ll wake up every day blessed… it’ll run life will run..
I mean theres nothing wrong with that, I guess when asked I could say that?? Maybe perhaps thats what people do, they answer like that, kinda hoping but really have no clue at all, maybe its just because I’m slightly pessimistic that I really don’t see that as a reality. At least not mine.

I mean there is harsh reality, hard love, tough love, over optimism and complete black depressive outlooks and advice on how to deal and how to get through days when shit hits the fan… Sometimes the advice helps sometimes it wont, sometimes its right for you sometimes its wrong.. There are days that will fly by and you’ll know you’re getting older, and life seems to have two feat on the pedals and its just moving along, and you’ll be tired enough to fall asleep without panic. but nights will creep up… and it’ll be sleepless, there will be unsteady rides and days where getting on the bike will struggle.. but letting go is the key to making these things happen, life happen, at least it is the struggle for me.
sometimes it isn’t all relative..

I guess the questions, the questioning will get you somewhere, the asking will get you help, but sometimes in struggle all you want to say is… why?