why

Reading something, I’ve come to realise, doesn’t provide much help when you’re lost.
I was lost today and found no such comfort in anything I came across online reading.
That the issues that people were having in these online stories were simple questions for me to work out.. or in other sense, really wasn’t something that I could relate to, it was not my struggle. Your twenties are filled, so far, at the least for me, with more, much more ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ answers    the uncertainty is peaking and I wasn’t expecting it to be this challenging the reasons why why why I ask and I beg for the right answers, but unlucky, maybe for me, it is quite possible that through letting life be, and taking a risk in seeing where life might go,  could be the only way to get my answers, the only way to get someplace exciting.

I mean I know that reality is there are people making books and blogs telling us, it’ll be fine do this this and this.. or don’t fuck up and to not fuck up – do this this and this… but an instruction manual doesn’t provide no comfort, no reassurance and no guidance to what the fuck you’re supposed to do when you don’t have that confidence to follow and do what you’re sure, what you must have to do for you.

It seems the norm that people at the very least, have a step.. a something you know, that they like something a lot, because they’ve been doing it for so long when they were younger and now they’re good at it so theres always that..
theres always ‘ that ‘ .. that…
the thing of your child your innocence, the thing you do for you, is the thing you’re meant to hold onto. it holds your youth, the thing that makes you at ease, at peace, in a place of your own, that comfort is important, it is significant to you and your life, I know that things like this, have a place to stay continuously in life, the good days the bad days, the days too busy the days stressed, must come back to this.

For myself I think constantly about questions to find answers…

what do you want to be when you grow up….
Constantly it reoccured with people in their twenties, with life decisions, unsure of what one to make. Unsure, as in not sure what one out of multiple…
This is not my situation, alike to the phrase, it’s like riding a bike.. I am afraid of the bike and can not ride it, and similar to falling asleep, where you just have to relax and let it happen.. I stay awake, sleepless and restless, that moment to fall is a fear, which, answers my own problem, that it is my own fault, to have no answer yet, because I am constantly staying away unable to push the pedals and see where I go, I am over alert to my current state and the magic of life is being halted by my own overactive panic.

where do you see yourself in five years… 
I have no concept of how my life will look in a month, but it doesn’t look all too great, so five years seems a pretty large stretch, to which I believe people answer with, settling down, maybe with the man of my dreams, maybe by then I’ll be engaged and thinking about children, and of course I would have worked my way up in the company with a much higher role and I’ll have my own place and it’ll be beautiful and I’ll have a dog and I’ll be at the gym after work, and I’ll save up for holidays with my partner and our friends and we’ll travel and spend lots of money and come back home to our perfect little routine of life and it’ll be busy busy busy busy and I’ll wake up every day blessed… it’ll run life will run..
I mean theres nothing wrong with that, I guess when asked I could say that?? Maybe perhaps thats what people do, they answer like that, kinda hoping but really have no clue at all, maybe its just because I’m slightly pessimistic that I really don’t see that as a reality. At least not mine.

I mean there is harsh reality, hard love, tough love, over optimism and complete black depressive outlooks and advice on how to deal and how to get through days when shit hits the fan… Sometimes the advice helps sometimes it wont, sometimes its right for you sometimes its wrong.. There are days that will fly by and you’ll know you’re getting older, and life seems to have two feat on the pedals and its just moving along, and you’ll be tired enough to fall asleep without panic. but nights will creep up… and it’ll be sleepless, there will be unsteady rides and days where getting on the bike will struggle.. but letting go is the key to making these things happen, life happen, at least it is the struggle for me.
sometimes it isn’t all relative..

I guess the questions, the questioning will get you somewhere, the asking will get you help, but sometimes in struggle all you want to say is… why? 

Sixteen

The build up of Saturday morning before a party consisted of an warm unpleasant feeling in my stomach, a heavy pressure on my chest when I inhaled and a tingling sensation in my legs, my arms, my fingers. I’d vomit multiple times before lunch had hit, making me weak and shaky. I’d be yelled at to eat something constantly- repeatedly. Pacing and pacing the house I try to contain the increased panic in my mind. Checking the time panic would fade with distraction from chores and cleaning and then increase with the thought of what might happen later that night.
Being at a party or generally being around people, I worried that they would laugh at me or that I’d be left alone or that someone might want to talk to me. All of which I learnt to calm myself with by a flood of negative insults towards myself. I breathe deeply reminding myself that nothing can happen if I don’t speak, I won’t be humiliated. I remind myself that people might not notice I’m there so I can be assured no one will look at me- so no one could laugh at me. I remind myself that if I stay out of the way, I won’t do anything wrong and I won’t have to feel scared, so there can’t be any expectations of me. I tell myself that I’m not pretty enough for a boy to like me or notice me, so no one would kiss me.
It was all this negativity that I fed myself, to hate myself, that calmed and rationalised me going anywhere with people my age or older.

I sit on my bed tapping my pressure points, reminding myself that its okay, that I’ll be okay- but only believing it because I had lost all hope that I was going to see friends, to meet new people, to meet boys, to have ‘fun’ and laugh and drink and dance…
I was focused solely on getting there, getting over getting there, being there, dealing with where to sit to not involve myself to, to how to stop myself from vomiting and how I was going to get through this and be okay.
It would always get worse when I had to get in the car with my mum. I would become an emotional bubble waiting to burst. I would get so violently angry, trying to hold in all of my anxieties for what my parents thought was a fun night. I’d feel faint from not eating for 24 hours, in hopes I wouldn’t then be able to vomit to settle my mind. My leg would shake in the car, constantly tapping on the floor, my body would heat up trying to make me vomit again and again. I’d put the air conditioner on full, with the radio off- I’d snap at noise and sensitivity towards repetition of sounds and anything related to the cause of my anxiety. The closer I got to my friends house, the closer I was to being sick. I’d clench my jaw shut with the driest throat, I could dry retch at any second. Getting to the destination I’d always feel like crying when I got out of the car, so in turn I gave anger and frustration instead. I feel sorry that my parents had to deal with that every weekend, the same routine, I was so on edge.
My friends always made everything better, I love them for accepting me and I tried so hard to learn from them, to cope with these situations. I seen how excited they were, how fun this would be, but I always slipped back into my mind, of what could happen and the questions of my anxiety. And for what could have been hours of me not saying a word out loud, felt like a few seconds inside my head. I would disconnect myself from others just to address the panic in my mind, to calm myself of the worries, the what if’s and the nerves that I had built inside of me.

I can recognise now that it was and is humiliation and rejection that I constantly feared. I became so fixated on trying to deal with the anxieties that I pushed people away.

The more insignificant I made myself feel, the more comfortable I felt around people. To me the more I convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of good things, the more I convinced myself that I was unattractive and fat and boring and a shit person, the more accepting I would be if anyone was to tell me that is what I was. I wanted to prepare myself for what people would or could think of me, so that I wouldn’t be humiliated or ashamed or embarrassed, I’d be okay with the thought of being seen as ugly and fat and sad and anything else ‘bad’.

Because everyday I persuaded myself that its only me, no one is looking at me. Its only me, no one will be interested in me. Its only me and I don’t need to let anyone in.