a single tingle in my fingers
a sweep a wave of warmth igniting, fuelling from my every breath,
ten seconds pass and I try to hold my breath in while my heart thuds thuds thuds
like a balloon about to burst the air inside feels too much breathing out through my mouth serves no purpose but to worsen the racing thoughts gaining control over my body.
my stomach feels hungry yet my mouth dying for water.. dry its hard to swallow yet it feels like I’m waiting seconds minutes longer longer then usual.. longer I know because I notice how much focus I have on waiting to have enough saliva to swallow.. my stomach meanwhile it groans because it’s been 6 hours since I’ve eaten but I’m afraid my body will reject it, there’s no way to calm it down. sips of water dissolve like a mist would in the desert. a stomach full of water and no food just makes things worse. I can feel my mouth warmer and warmer, conscious that my breath will smell I clean my teeth. momentarily, 5 seconds or perhaps 6 go by and I feel great, relaxed, calm. Then I take a deep breath, hold 5..4…3..2…1.. Instantaneously I go to swallow and my mouth has the feeling of when the doctor checks your throat and your expected to say..’aaaahhhhh’ while a dry wooden flat stick is placed on your tongue. At this point, I can look around to realise I’ve paced walked tapped my feet in one means or the other for this entire period. I lay down hoping to calm my body. again 3 seconds of calm.. the calm fills me with warmth, like when you get a fright, like when you realise you did something wrong, like when you jump off something.. except the warmth doesn’t last for a few seconds to be then released… it lasts like the warmth of a hangover body after drinking the night before. I take clothes off to release this feeling, sweating I can hear my heart race and beat so so powerful that in silence I can hear it block my hearing at every thud.. thud.. thud..
shivers work my way up my body, a tingle sensation that grows and grows taking over my body.
looking at a blank wall I become confused as to what my body wants, trying to eat is not possible. my taste changes and everything becomes unappealing. small bites plain bread.
15 minutes later after conversations of deliberate distraction, i find my stomach turning i feel as though my body is rejecting everything and anything.
25 minutes pass and I’m getting tired of trying to stay on top of it, the breathing the relaxing the thoughts the tapping the visualisation.. it all feels like its doing nothing, getting me nowhere.
Headed to the bathroom, I feel my stomach rise heat in my throat.
head in the bowl my stomach aches I vomit and there’s nothing left in my stomach, my stomach keeps going and going, hurting my muscles more and more I feel weak as nothing else comes up.
My body is tired, I’m scared to eat, to drink.
Waves of hot and waves of cold, my sensory is heightened.
light-headed, I feel faint, heavy fast breathing only makes things worse.
what do I want?
what do I want?
what do I want??
Birds outside, voices, the news on the tv, trying to block the noise of the thud thud thud from my chest. Listening outside to block the thoughts inside my head.
But it feels distracting. My body wants to feed itself, it doesn’t want me to calm down.
shaky hands and a taste of acid in my mouth I try again to breathe deep again. hold 1…2…
And I rush to the toilet again, head over the bowl..
I want to cry my body aches yet my muscles contract trying to bring up rejecting anything in my stomach.
I’m frustrated and tired yet I feel my body could run for miles and miles, I want to get rid of this feeling.
leaving the safety of my room, I become aware of noises around me. annoyed by the ticking, the repetitive noise, the loud noise. I break I scream wanting it all to stop.
In silence, I hear my heart beating again, my stomach turns, the warmth rises and flows around my body, tingling my fingertips to toes. teeth clenched mouth shut tight my jaw cannot relax. In its entirety my body is tense, trying to be prepared for what is next.
Closing my eyes I can’t understand why
leaving the house can be hard
seeing people can be hard
which make getting out of bed hard, which can make getting dressed hard,
and its all in my head
and its the feeling of panic
and its the feeling of excitement
and its the feeling that I cannot explain or give reasons to always.
it comes and goes
it comes and it goes