You know when your stomach drops. Or when your head dangles over the edge of the bed. Or when your up so high on a swing and you feel a numbing pause. I feel the pause, from the thoughts to reality, from the fall to the ground, from the air in my lungs. I feel the pause without the release of the fall, without hitting the ground, without catching my breath. Its just all held in, and I want to jump.

You know when you crave something so badly, and when you think about it, you know that getting it will make everything feel good, and that theres nothing else you would want, or could want. So you do anything to get it, and you get it. And its amazing and you enjoy it and afterwards when you think about it, you feel satisfied. Thats something I don’t have.

You know when someone asks if you want an apple or an orange and you make a decision and you pick one because theres one you want. I don’t have that.
You know when someone asks you what you do, who you are, what you life is about. And you say that you moved, you work, you study, you like bands and music, you like concerts and alcohol and you want to go here and you want to go there you want to explore you want to try new things, you want to adventure, you want to experience life. I don’t have that.

You know when someone asks you what you want to be, where you want to go, what you love, what you need, what you want, what you see, what you feel. You know when you have an answer, I do not.
You know when nothing makes you happy, when nothing really did, you know when you have nothing to look back on or when you didn’t think you needed to think this far on. You know when you have no plans, no dreams, no love, no ideas, no desires, no excitements and you just think of getting through this day, this week, this month and you realise that once you’re there, theres nothing there.
Thats the fear I have today.
That I’m made up of nothing, that I’m beyond lost.

I feel like I’ve been staring at a blank wall for 21 years. Thinking of when everything might end. Thinking of how I am looked at and thought of by others. How I have only observed and how I do not participate. How I am the friend and not the girl. How I am the quiet and not the fun. How I am the sad and not the exciting. How I watch everything and everyone run past me, and how I let that be okay because it is just me. Only me.

 

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