— disclaimer, no proof reading has been done this is complete and utter rushed writting nonsence to clear my head, so most likely this will not make any sense —
sometimes you just can’t write the words to explain not just a feeling or emotion but a collection of both of these, at a certain time under certain circumstances.
theres this thing that overcomes me, and i say overcome because it much like a blanket, covers me in its weight entirely.
at what point did that cover over me today, is what i never can remember, the exact moment, what triggered it..
Its the clash of heat from my body temperature rising from the adrenaline like feeling running in my body, while as i breathe deeply to regain control, my skin begins to cover in bumps, as though its a chilly winters night.
taking another deep breath i can feel warmth in my mouth, a dryness that allows me to swallow once and then waiting while my mouth trys to find some source of saliva, i can swallow again before the dry mouth makes it hard to swallow and a sick feeling rises as i struggle.
as i control my breathing slow and deep, i can feel my racing heart thumping through my body like a loud train approaching.
racing heart with slow breaths , hot body with shivers, dry mouth and wild obsered irrational thoughts. my senses become hightened , with my body on alert, i hear all the noises, become sensistive to loud repition and tv adds, i become aware of all the noises the sensations on my body the feeling under my toes, the clothes against my skin.
these things happen to my body in intervals of possibly 30 seconds then im able to make it stop somehow, a distraction a conversation, counting to 50. and then I pause, and I’m left under the blanket, and I’m frustrated because at this point its been hours and hours and hours, since it started and I’ve thought all the thoughts i could, yet i cant find the answer to what it is , why it is that i am worried, why i am anxious.
sometimes the trigger is in the night, a hot summers night.
immediately even if im having a perfect day, i will always always feel the sensation creep up on me.
its like a dark shaddow that slowly overtakes me, as i take each breath i become more and more aware that i can feel the sensations. the hot the chill the racing heart the sticky dry mouth, the tingle at my toes and fingers, the sickly feeling in my stomach.
all turning at the sound of the crickets , with the sounds of a running airconditioner, at the sound of a high spinning fan, at the noise of cricket commentating on the television, at the pure australian smell of summer as dusk, at the sight of sun at the late hours of the evening, all these small things, make my heart sink, because this feeling of panic and worry and that feeling that chokes me makes it difficult to swallow to breathe, makes me feel like im about to burst, overcomes me and these no choice theres no way out of it. i’m over over sensitive and preparing for what my body thinks what my mind should i say, thinks is some fucking burgulary assult thats going to happen, thats how overworked my body is running, it is reacting the way someone without anxiety would react to an intruder to the house, or a snake next to their front door, and how annoying this is, and frustrating this is, how tiring this is, to go through over and over and over and over.
thats the thing with anxiety and triggers, you cant just leave and say fuck this im not puting up with this shit, it is not even just as simple as this stupidly long paragraph of words i’ve written, because there can’t be words to discribe this, because even writing this, has taken me years, to recognise that this is a feeling that is anxiety, that i feel everytime its summer and becoming night every single year.